A peculiar dinner date
By
Justin Waterman
CHARACTERS
JOHN- Middle aged
male, dressed in a nice shirt and tie
TINA- Well
dressed good looking middle aged woman wearing a black dress
WAITER- Man with a beard, dressed in all White,
with a note pad hanging out of his back pocket
TOM- Masculine looking male, very properly
dressed in a shirt and tie
SETTING: Inside of a fancy resteraunt, dressed
with tables and candles, the resteraunt is empty except for the table occupied
by the dinner date.
AT
RISE: Lights brighten on the stage revealing a dinner table with a candle and a
rose in the middle. JOHN pulls out
the chair for his TINA, and TINA sits down in the chair.
JOHN goes and sits down in the other chair,
facing Tina.
JOHN
Well even though this is a blind
date, I’m glad I’m not blind because you are HOT!!
TINA
Why the hell did I ever agree to
this?
JOHN
What was that beautiful I couldn’t
hear you.
TINA
Ok really stop, I don’t
need the bullshit names, phony lines, and cheesy sayings if I wanted that I
wouldn’t have signed up for Eharmony, I would of just gone to a college frat
party.
JOHN
Oh so you were in a
sorority when you were in college?
That’s really cool, I was in a frat myself, ahh man those were the days
let me tell you, and the women, oh man the finest broads were available twenty
four seven it was the best. There
was even this one time when this bangin blonde chick came stumbling into my
room…..
TINA
STOP! Do you really think
this is impressing me, reminiscing about your college days, and no I was not in
a sorority, nor did I ever say I was.
The thought of one disgusts me actually.
JOHN
Sorry boo, I just get lost
in my thoughts sometimes, this is one hell of a place isn’t it, you better feel
special, I never take anyone here, I usually come all by myself
The Waiter walks over and gets very excited
to see JOHN.
Waiter
John! Long time no see,
bringing another fine lady here I see, Hello miss you are looking quite lovely,
tell me John how do you do it?
Tina lets out a sigh, as John nudges the
waiter, while maintaining a smile and looking at Tina.
TINA
Wow John, I have
known you for less than ten minutes, and already you are the smoothest guy I
know, tell me how do you do it?
And the lies have already started, I must say they came sooner than
expected
JOHN
Settle down baby,
there’s much more to come, just sit down and enjoy the ride.
TINA
John that was one
of the most sarcastic things I have ever said, do you have a complete blatant
disregard for sensing any hints of sarcasm what so ever?
Tina
takes out her cell phone
and sends a text message
JOHN
The only thing Im
sensing here is this love connection, oww oww.
WAITER
Can I start you
two off with something to drink?
Our chef recently purchased a case of vintage Chianti, it is an
exquisite pairing with many entrees on the menu
TINA
Why that sounds
lovely, I would love to try…..
JOHN
WHOA HEY, There is
no drinking on the first date, what the hell are you crazy? How the hell am I supposed to get to
know you if your drowning your sorrows in some expensive ass grapes? Waiter bring me the usual, and for the lady,
ehhh you look like you like apple juice get this women some apple juice,
IMMEDIENTLY!
WAITER
Yes sir I will be
right back with your drinks, here are two menus, take your time.
TINA
Did you really
just order me apple juice? Are you
kidding me? Why am I still even here?
JOHN
Yeah I figured
since you have that apple sticker on the back of your phone you are a fan, Im
quite observant and thoughtful I know.
TINA
John that’s not a
sticker, its what is on the back of all Iphones, are you serious, is this all
one big joke?
JOHN
Yeah, sure
whatever you say babe, so anyways what are you thinking of ordering?
TINA
Im actually all of
a sudden not feeling that well, I might be allergic to idiots I think Im gonna
go, as mean as that is to say, ACHOOOO
JOHN
No its tottaly
fine, I’m allergic to idiots too, I’m gonna get us a new waiter, he’s horrible
TINA
That was not who I
was referring to John I was referring to…
JOHN
So anyways, enough
with all this small talk lets get serious here, what is a pretty girl like you
doing looking for love on some website??
TINA
That’s the most
caring thing I have ever heard you say John, well its simple, Im sick of
wasting my time on relationships and men that aren’t going anywhere, so I
decided to sign up for Eharmony, and you were my top match, but I now see all
hope is lost. I don’t think I will
ever use the internet to try and find love again, for obvious reasons
JOHN
The only thing
that is lost is my heart, when I first saw you, will you give it back?
TINA
Really? How do you
come up with these stupid useless sayings? I don’t know how you live with
yourself, how old are you anyways?
JOHN
Thirty five years
young, and yourself?
TINA
I am thirty three
years old
JOHN
Ahh thirty three,
those were the days, for my thirty third birthday my best friend ordered a
bunch of strippers and….
TINA
STOP! Really just stop,
is there anything in that brain of yours.
JOHN
I don’t know you
tell me.
TINA
I feel like you
only hear what you want to hear, and block out all the rest.
JOHN
Damn its noisy in
here, I didn’t hear what you said can you repeat that.
TINA
And my point is
proven…. And cut the crap it isn’t noisy in here.
The Waiter walks over carrying a
tray with the drinks and places them down on the table.
WAITER
Here
you go mam, one tall ice cold glass of apple juice, and for you sir, the usual
water and lemon.
JOHN
Thank
you very much, however I am going to request the services of another waiter,
due to some allergies Tina and I share.
TINA
No,
stop I didn’t mean it like that when I said I was allergic to…
WAITER
Ok
sir, I am sorry for any bad service I have caused, please do not tell my boss I
can see if anyone else is available to serve you?
JOHN
Geez
Tina make up your mind, your no longer allergic? Good then, you may stay as our
waiter, for now anyways.
Tina sits
with a distraught
look on her face.
WAITER
Im a
bit confused, but anyways are you two ready to order or do you need a couple
more minutes?
JOHN
I
think we are all set, we will both have the special pasta please and thank you.
TINA
I
was actually thinking of trying the steak, I’m not usually a big pasta person.
Tina
once again takes out her cell phone and sends a text message.
JOHN
Oh
no trust me, this pasta is to die for, two pastas please and thank you.
WAITER
Yes
sir, I will go put that in right now, thank you.
TINA
Well
John, you never do seize to amaze me with your rudeness, just how do you do it?
JOHN
I
wouldn’t call it rude so anyways, whats a pretty girl like you doing on a site
like eharmony anyways?
TINA
You
already asked me this John, but ill tell you again, since your too ignorant to
listen, I’m trying to find Mr. right, although I can clearly see that’s not
going to happen tonight.
JOHN
Why
do you gotta be all like that honey buns?
TINA
Like
what is that, who talks like that, there really is something wrong with you.
JOHN
Whatever
you say muffin, anyways I hope our food comes soon I’m starving.
TINA
So
tell me John, what are your thoughts on marriage?
JOHN
Whoa
there Tina, settle down I mean I know you like me but damn, already talking
about marriage here??
TINA
Not
with you stupid, just your thoughts in general, as depressing as this situation
is right now, one thing that bothers me even more is the fact that im not
married, I don’t know if I will ever find mr right.
JOHN
Sometimes
things are right under your nose Tina, speaking of noses you have a rather odd
shaped nose, why you look like….
The Waiter comes over and
Places
the salads, bread, and
Pasta
dishes all on the tables, and sprinkles pepper on the bowl of pasta, as well as
fresh cheese.
TINA
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY NOSE!
JOHN
Oh no, I wasn’t saying
there was, I was just pointing out that it is different that’s all
TINA
I am going to pretend
I didn’t not hear that, you are lucky the pasta got here when it did, this
looks disgusting, what exactly is this gross concoction you just ordered for
me?
JOHN
Its
pasta with snails, muscles, and a little bit of eel.
Tina
proceeds to put a piece of pasta in her mouth, then she spits it out and looks
at at John with an angry look.
TINA
This is the most
disgusting thing I have ever eaten John, wow it truly is unbearable.
JOHN
Oh stop being so
dramatic and just eat it, you will be fine.
TINA
You are lucky there is
some salad and bread here otherwise I would have walked out and left after I
took that gruesome bite.
JOHN
Whatever you say
cupcake, so anyways you almost done, I wanna get out of here, show you my
place, get what im saying?
Tina gives John a cold stare and then starts
laughing.
TINA
Ha, you continue to
amaze me John, do you not pick up on any of the no hints I have dropped
persistently throughout the evening?
JOHN
Playing a little hard
to get action are we, ok then nothing I haven’t seen before, I can handle this.
TINA
Whatever you say John,
I just want this night to be over, this is all one bad dream, I am just dreaming,
a very very bad dream, this is not real.
JOHN
So once you are done
talking to yourself over there Tina, I have something to tell you.
Tina continues to murmer to herself and seems
very perplexed by the whole situation.
TINA
What is it John,
please tell me this is all one big bad dream, or that you are some genie that
has come to grant me wishes for going through hell with you.
JOHN
Ha, not quite Tina,
but you are close I guess you could call me a genie of sorts
TINA
What does that even
mean, you never make any sense while you talk, why am I still here.
The waiter walks out on stage in the midst
of the two arguing and presents Tina with a huge check
for a
thousand dollars.
JOHN
Congratulations Tina, you
completed the asshole challenge, congrats.
Tina sits there in shock, with her hands
covering her mouth, and a look of disbelief on her face.
JOHN
The asshole challenge is a
television show in which the contestant must stay for the entire date while the
blind date does the rudest things he can think of, if the contestant stays for
the whole date, as you did, they receive one thousand dollars.
TINA
I cant believe it, this is
really happening, wow this is not a bad dream at all
Tina
once again takes out her phone and
sends a text
JOHN
Ha, you crack me up Tina,
I don’t know how you managed to do it, so far everyone else who has been on the
show has gotten up and left within the first ten minutes, you have tremendous
patience with people, it is very commendable. Why the heck do you keep taking out your phone and texting?
TINA
I really don’t know what
to say right now, thank you very much this money is going to be great, maybe I
can go and find a real date now and spend this money on him. I made a bet with one of my friends,
for a lot less money than this but I tend to leave dates early, however this
has been by far the worst date I’ve ever been on and I would have left very
early if it wasn’t for the bet I had with my friend.
JOHN
However, there is just one
catch
TINA
Oh great, nothing ever
works out for me, and what the hell is the catch?
JOHN
In order to be able to
keep the money, you need to go on another date, this time you have to try and
get the man to leave, and if you do, you get to double your money and you win a
total of two thousand dollars.
TINA
And what happens if I
decide not to go on the second date?
JOHN
Well then you get to keep
the thousand dollars, but we get to choose the scenes that we cut or don’t cut
when this episode is showed, so any of those numerous embarrassing moments you
displayed throughout will all be shown on network television.
TINA
What the hell, is this
even legal I would like to see some paperwork
JOHN
Why of course, here you go
John
takes out his briefcase which was hiding under the table and displays a written
contract with numerous bullets.
TINA
This is ridiculous
JOHN
Oh no, Tina, the time is
now, we already have it all set in the other room of this same restaurant, time
is money honey.
TINA
You really are an asshole,
but fine
JOHN
You just have to convince
him that the whole thing is legitimate, try and not let him catch on, and just
entertain the audience, its all about the entertainment factor
TINA
Whatever you say John,
here I go
Tina walks in to the same table layout, to
the sight of a tall good looking man standing at the table awaiting for her to
sit down.
TINA
Aww isn’t that nice of
you, well listen up, even though I am sure you’re an asshole like every other
guy I have ever known in my whole entire life, Im gonna spare you the
trouble. This is one big hoax,
they set us up and they want me to make a fool out of myself and see how long
you handle me for. When in reality
I am not that kind of person, and this whole thing is just one big waste of
time, I just want to find Mr. right and continue on with my life, money means
nothing to me. I don’t know what I
was thinking when I said yes, or why the hell I even stayed for that whole
date. So anyways you are a good
looking guy go keep doing what ever it is you do, and thanks for pulling the
chair out it was a nice touch.
JOHN
What the hell, no this is
not happening not on my show, you completely messed it up
TOM
Money cant buy happiness.
Tom walks over to Tina, places his hand on
hers and leans in and softly kisses her.
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